28 January 2011

"Jersey Shore" Speaks: Drunk Punch Love

While the world is talking about Jersey Shore going to Italy next season, we still have matters in Seaside to attend to. When we last left the Shore Long Island, Jenni found out her ex Tom had stolen from her. So what's a girl to do? Change the locks! Watching her putting in new locks with Snooki made light of an otherwise horrible breakup. Once the dynamic duo's done playing locksmith, it's back to the Shore with Jenni's dogs in tow!

Cutest dogs ever!
image via mtv.com

Now that that's behind us, Ryder's back and just had a birthday. You know what that means, awkwardness between her and Vinny now that they've slept together! Yay! Thank God Deena was there to whisk her away to the boardwalk for happy hour and carnival rides. (BTW, did you notice how alike Ryder and Deena are? You can totally tell they're Snooki's friends.)

Whilst in the club, Vinny meets a girl named Gina ... and her cousin (Nicky Ducks ... really dude? someone took the Jersey Shore name generator a bit too seriously.) ... and her uncle. I guess the family that goes clubbing together stays together? Anyway, Sammi's drunk and thinks Ronnie's hitting on a girl in the club. When they get back to the house she tells Ronnie he hates her. So what's a faux-hawked dude to do? Tell her to leave, toss all her stuff on the floor, and lie on his bed maniacally giggling.

Who else gets scared when Ron giggles?
image via mtv.com

Meanwhile, Vinny unleashes the grenade whistle! (That's way easier to say than "vuvuzela" to me.) After all grenades vacate the premises and Vinny half-ass references Shakespeare, Jenni drops a bomb as she and Ronnie have a heart-to-heart. I love how Jenni kept looking behind her like Sammi would have taken the duck phone to her head.

Of course while the house is all quiet as the roommates attempt to surprise Ryder with a birthday cake, Situation unintentionally instigates a fight when he tells Sammi that Ron's outside talking to Jenni. I love how he then goes on the balcony to watch the fight and rolls his eyes with his hand on his hip. That should be a cardboard cutout. (And probably will after Sitch reads this.) Cue another Sam and Ronnie fight. This time Sam yells and Ronnie just sits there. Then she punches Ron and storms off saying she's leaving. Then Sitch comes outside, puts Ron in a comforting headlock and says "A'ight kid, chill." (Feeling a tad guilty 'eh Sitch?) Half the roommates try to get Sammi to stay, but she's stubborn and calls her mom to come get her.

poor Ronnie
image via mtv.com

As Jenni tries to "do sex" with Tom, we discover that Pauly D may have a career in country music. Put away those turntables kid and pick up guitar! I'm sure "What Goes on in the Jersey Shore House (What Goes On)" will win a CMA one day.

It is now 6:36 a.m. and everyone's still awake. Before she leaves, Sammi apologizes to Ron. I love how it ends. Sam says, "This is my final goodbye to you and you can say whatever you want." Then Ron walks away. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Go Ron! Then Sam comes to him again and they go inside and lie down while Sam waits for her mom to come. Of course Sam convinces Ron to give her another chance and she's not going anywhere. Oh joy. Sam also says she needs to work on her relationships with everyone in the house, including Jenni. Well aren't we just happy, happy, joy, joy in Seaside this morning. (BTW, love that Sam's mom hadn't even left to pick her up yet. If my daughter called me and said "come get me," I'd be there within the hour. I guess she figured Sam had a little too much to drink and was acting crazy.)

All is well at Sunday dinner and Sam thanks the roommates for getting her to stay. (Yay.) After dinner it's date night! Deena, Dean, Jenni, and Roger attempt to "keep it classy." Of course Snooki and Vinny go to The Love Shack and get a stripper pole for the house. (Question, when "Ronnie" says that the first thing he said when he walked into the house was it needed a stripper pole, are we sure that was really Ronnie? It looked like his double to me.)

Surprised there was no stripper pole in the house before.
image via mtv.com

Anyway, the sexcapades keep on coming the next morning when the barber tells the guys something about Deena that Dean said. When everyone hits the gym, of course Sitch multi-tasks on the treadmill and tells Deena what he heard. She's horrified and rips Dean a new one in the club. Meanwhile Jenni makes amends with Sammi by offering to get her and Ron drinks. Way to go JWOWW! She's totally my hero in this episode.

With all the drama behind them, the roommates party into the night as a united front. Now for the moment you've all been waiting for .... here's the best of Drunk Punch Love!

"Jenni's a very strong person and when I see Jenni crying and breaking down, it breaks my heart and it makes me want to find Tom and chop his nuts off." - Snooki (Now Snooks is a true friend!)

"Do you know any juiceheads around here who can help us?" - Snooki (Haha, that's right. When you decide to play handyman and it's not going right, consult with a juicehead. Thanks for the advice Snooks.)

"That's my friend Bjork." - Vinny (Such a witty prankster that Vincenzo.)

"Want me to bring her over? I'll bring her over. She'll show you her C-section." - Ronnie (Imagine going to a club and a girl's showing off her C-section scar.)

"Not a fucking protein shake, you bring me pizza! Of all the things, really?!" - Ronnie (Protein shake? Glad to know someone in this house is keeping up on his fitness.)

"He's giggling? Game over." - Vinny (Vincenzo is well-versed in his Ronnie laughs.)

"If you're in a relationship and fighting that much, is it that fun?" - The Situation (I see Mike has taken over Snooki's role of sex therapist in this episode.)

"What is this Romeo and Juliet? The Capulets and the fucking whatever?" - Vinny (Let me get this straight, Vinny can reference Bjork at the drop of a swan-like party blouse, but he can't remember the Montagues? I think he's pretending.)

Jenni: "You and me are in the same boat because we have guilt."
Ronnie: "I love her though."
Jenni: "I know you love her. And you know what? You stayed with her out of guilt because you want to prove that you are a great guy. But at the end of the day Ron, you are a great guy and that's all that matters. And you deserve to be happy. And I've been wanting to tell you this forever."
(Sitch can pass that sex therapist torch over to Jenni. I bet everyone watching paused for a moment when they heard that and reevaluated their past and current relationships.)

Jenni making sure Sam's not around. Smart girl.
image via mtv.com

"I learned my lesson. If you love someone, care about them somewhat." - Ronnie (A lesson we should all learn.)

"No this isn't God. God is not your ego." - Vinny (Sounds like someone goes to church ... not dressed in gym clothes.)

"You need sucky things in life to make you stronger." - Vinny (If priests spoke like Vinny, they'd totally get more kids going to mass.)

Sitch: "I'm teaching him how to pimp."
Snooki: "That's a girl."
Sitch: "My bad."
(Why are we surprised Sitch didn't know Jenni's dog was a girl. This is the same dude who kissed a tranny in Miami? Hey, I made a rhyme!)

"You're trying to do sex?" - Deena (I was wondering when Deena's dictionary was going to make an appearance in this episode.)

"I feel like I owe Ron an extreme apology. Punching Ron in the face, getting upset that he was talking to Jenny, that was a bad thing. What am I doing? I'm wasting time hating somebody when it's not worth it. It's not worth it, like look what I'm doing to myself." - Sammi (To yourself? What about to Ron? Ego anyone?)

Deena: "I think tonight we should just keep it classy. Go on rides and everything."
Roger: "Listen, just throw that first line out the window right now. Keep it classy? Are you serious?"
(I like Roger. Of all the house guests, he's the most quotable.)

"Nicole has this idea to buy a stripper pole for the house and I want the fucking stripper pole." - Vinny (Of course he does.)

"I can't control myself. This type of juicy information needs to be brought out immediately." - Sitch (Boys are the biggest gossips. No joke, every time I heard a major rumor in school, a dude had told me.)

"My teeth and my mouth is too precious to me to go down that way." - Deena (D's too pissed off to use proper verbs!)

"It makes me feel fantastic to make him look like a douchebag at the club. You make me look like a douchebag at that barber shop? Here you go baby. This is on you. Karma's a bitch. Literally." - Deena (I can't wait to see all the "Karma's a bitch. Literally." FB statuses today.)

Not sure about that look on Sam's face. Or Roger's.

All is well at the Shore house this week. Let's just see how long they can keep that up.

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