23 January 2011

"Jersey Shore" Speaks: Where's the Beach?

Watch Snooki eat a potato. Watch Snooki unsuccessfully try to hook up with Vinny. Watch Snooki at the gym. Watch Snooki sit in a fridge. Watch Snooki sneak away from work for a Long Island and pickles. Watch Snooki put her sex therapist skills to work. Watch Snooki get arrested. That just about sums up the key points in this episode.

Snooki sitting in a fridge. This says it all.
image via mtv.com

When Snooki was off-camera, most likely drinking, here's what else happened: Sitch invented the "kitchen ditchin," Ronnie and Sammi argued and broke up again, Sammi apologized to Snooki and Deena, Deena got kicked out of Karma, Jenni found out a "big juice monkey" lied to her about having a girlfriend, Pauly got a drink thrown in his face by Danielle (a.k.a. the girl who stalked his life on the boardwalk in season 1), and Ronnie and Sammi may be getting back together.

While all this went down there were quotes galore! Here's the best of Where's the Beach?

"You like the boobs." - Deena (My fave new line in the Jersey Shore intro. I do kind of wish they had used "I was a walking holiday last night!" instead.)

"Since I got to the Shore I can't remember the last time I've seen Nicole sober. It's been a while." - Jenni (JWOWW speaks the truth.)

I told you JWOWW speaks the truth.
image via mtv.com

"She's begging for seabiscuit. Like literally, literally begging." - Vinny (Not explaining. That's what urbandictionary.com is for.)

Snooki: "Threesome! Can we have a threesome? I'm so fuckin' horny."
Sitch: "Sounds like a good time."
(I love how Sitch looks off into the distance wistfully. Ooh, he should say "wistful" in the next episode!)

"I like Mike. I think he has a sick body. He has a cute face, but basically he's personality and how he carries himself." - Deena (Yup, that's Sitch. Personality and carriage galore.)

"That's like putting chicken on the table with salt and pepper and someone takes away the chicken. And then they left you with the salt and pepper." - Sitch (So let me get this straight, Snooki's a chicken?)

Snooki: "He always does that to me, but he fucked Angelina."
Jenni: "That's true. He cares about you, that's why."
Snooki: "Well stop caring and fuck me man!"
(Poor Snooks. Vinny does care about her though. I see the way he looks at her.)

"I was looking for that threesome, it turned into just, you know, that D-some." - Sitch (Poor D.)

"I invented the kitchen ditchin' because to get out of the situation I was in, I had to ditch and go straight to the kitchen." - Sitch (I love when he unnecessarily explains things.)

Sitch and Deena before the "kitchen ditchin'"
photo via mtv.com

"I think Pauly's really black, like seriously, because when he tans ... he's black!" - Snooki (Not gonna lie, I thought he was mixed in season 1. I think part of me still hopes he is so I can figure out why he's my skin tone, lol.)

"Same bullshit, different day." - Ronnie (Soon to be seen in many a FB status update.)

"I'm not into it today. 'Umm, could you help me pick out something for my shirt? What should I get?' What the fuck do you think you should get? What do I look like? I'm a fuckin' DJ!" - Pauly (Who else was dying when Pauly went into that girl's voice!)

"Deena calls herself 'the holiday,' and I like to call her the 'Holiday Inn.' So 6 minutes and 53 seconds into Karma, the Holiday Inn closed early tonight." -Sitch (How accurate is that time Sitch?)

"Roger kind of looks like a big juice monkey, yet he's polite, respectful, which is shocking." - Jenni (Love how Jenni teaches us not to judge a book by its cover in her own WOWW-tastic way. Too bad we find out a few minutes later that maybe sometimes you need to judge a book by its cover.)

This is what a "big juice monkey" looks like.
image via mtv.com

"She still worries me that girl." - Pauly (I would be too if someone stalked my whole life on the boardwalk.)

"Old people, they lose their sex life and that's not a fun time. That's why people always get divorced." - Snooki (Snooks really should be a sex therapist.)

"It's always a day at the beach with Nicole. There's no controlling that 4'9" girl. She's like a 3000 lb. man. She's like a bulldozer." - Jenni (Agreed! It took 3 cops to get her into that damn car.)

How many cops does it take to wrangle an intoxicated 4'9" girl?
image via mtv.com

I must say I missed Deena's awesome dictionary-worthy phrases in this ep. I've grown so accustomed to them and she's only been around for three episodes. Without her linguistic skills all we have is Mike's "kitchen ditchin'." That is most definitely not a blast mister. Let's hope the next episode will be full of Deena'a Dictionary-worthy phrases as the gang tries to free Snooks.

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